I'm pretty sure that before I came up with my first word, I'd found a way to live 'an easier softer way'. I'd found a drug ... sugar. Bananas, cookies, whatever was in reach did the job, happiness was at the other end of a bite. I had NO PROBLEMS. Today's doctors would probably have labelled me hyper-active, but hey, you would be too after a whole bunch of bananas.

In my late teen years, caffeine, nicotine and Boone's Farm Apple wine joined the mix. With a body chemistry so jangled by substances, there's not much room for simple 'feeling' -- well, except for the King of Drugs, infatuation, a drug you don't even have to ingest. Of course I loved to feel infatuated.

And then this morning I read something, a line or two which caught me totally off-guard and shot through me. I felt inspired. To my surprise, I realized that I was feeling the inspiration in my stomach. (My STOMACH?) Yup. The part you're supposed to suck in. And the feeling radiated out uncontrolled to the rest of my body til I felt like a unified whole, which I realized, is not normal, at least in my experience. What I usually count as 'feelings' are in my HEAD - feelings like competition or determination or ... JUDGEMENT. Huh? Or fear.

So when this was posted in the #2 or #3 trains last winter, it seemed too funny to not remember. But tonight, it seems it's too on topic to not include. 'Staying in' is the same thing as blocking feelings. And I want to LIVE. UNHINGED.