Go Big or Go Bust: On believing that you're good enough (part 2)

As you may know, I’ve been feeling over-the-top anxious about my next step in this adventure of ‘going big or going bust’: pitching the pilot is on my list just above ‘having fingernails pulled off’. But because it's under the surface. I'm not usually conscious of feeling anxious. I'm taking actions! And you (wonderful people) are giving me all kinds of support and encouragement ... so I have some new tools!

Naturally it came as a surprise to wake like a shot at 3 AM the other night,  and then to toss and turn for a full hour and a half.

But, lucky me, I had what might turn out to be a life-changing revelation.

I’d tried all my tricks to get back to sleep, the breathing, the hypnotherapy, the hot milk and honey. Lowering my expectations to simply ‘stay warm’, I huddled in the fetal position in the 40º room (window open, the way I like it) covers pulled over my head. Sixty minutes passed, seventy, ninety, BOOM.

It came out of nowhere: the image of a jacket made out of plaster. MY jacket. The jacket I’ve unconsciously chosen to wear for my entire life. But one that is no longer serving me.

Imagine this four inches thick, made of plaster and with crumbly bits of plaster and gauze hanging off the edges.

What was once maybe protecting me, feels like it’s become the problem. I think I’ve been wearing fear 24/7 in the form of a rigor-mortis-stiff, pretty much impenetrable jacket. Sure, it blocks the possibility of getting a knife in the back, but it also makes receiving and even 'feeling' next to impossible.  

Huddled there under the covers, I threw my shoulders back to break up the ‘plaster’ and wriggle out of the ‘jacket’. Yeah it’d leave my back completely unguarded and vulnerable to attack but I immediately felt more, and more free and more comfortable in my body. And that feeling continued the next day and into the following day and shows no sign of abating. (to be continued)

A hoop skirt from 'the good old days' when women WERE actually trapped by their clothes.

(Hey if you have any inclination to click the ‘Like’ button, PLEASE DO!)

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 233 (on process, insomnia, extreme AC and the amazing Marie Forleo)

I’ve been out and about living the dream.  Tonight that meant riding the NYC subway system and I figured you’d want to see me navigating an MTA tunnel. 

Unfortunately, the cars of the trains are so overly air-conditioned that you need a sweater while you're traveling.  But, as the saying goes, what goes around, comes around and the hot air from these cars is vented onto the platforms. Waiting for the next train, I felt in danger of being poached standing up.  But I digress.

Tonight brings me to the fingernails-on-the-blackboard subject of ‘process’.  I’m so into results and finished products, I practically break out in a rash if someone wants to talk about ‘process’.  Trusted reader, why are you not surprised.

Anyway, this trying to take The Louise Log to the next level is nothing if not a process.  My usual way of wanting it all finished yesterday simply doesn’t work.  Yes it makes me hysterical.  Yes it throttles my anxiety up and off the charts.  Yes I’m up until 2AM tossing and turning and driving Mr. Green ‘cray cray’ (he would hate that expression and I’m taking a certain pleasure in using it).  The fact is, I’m a nervous wreck.  

And guess what comes across my computer screen?

The solution to all my problems!  

The ‘Crazy Simple Stress-Busting Tool You’re Not Using (Yet)’

If you’ve never met Marie Forleo, you’re in for a pleasant surprise.  Oh come on I’ll say it right out: Get ready to fall in love.  There's even a free download for those of you into stationery porn.  OH yeah. 

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 175 (on impulse control and self-help junkies)

For a self-help junkie who's short on impulse control and frantic to accomplish something BIG, I have manna from heaven.  

About a month ago, Victoria Trestrail, a genius singer-songwriter (whose music you've heard over the credits in all three seasons of The Louise Log), sent me an audiobook. Not being from the big techies, it took me until two days ago to overcome my anxiety and follow Victoria's step-by-step instructions on how to download it. 

The morning after my post about the Lesson from the Lettuce, I started listening to this audiobook, The Power of Less.  And it's total synchronicity!  This book is all about doing more by doing less - just like my tiny lettuce which, when given the space, grew from a couple of small leaves to be bigger than my head.  For the part of deciding how to spend your time and energy, Leo Babauta, the author, takes my rather thin explanation ("decide what must be done today") and lays out precisely how to determine what is essential and how to work backwards to make up daily actions.  It all has to do with what you want, with what your goals are.  Or, with recognizing that you don't have goals and figuring out what they might be. 

For an anxiety-puncturer, it's as good as a day at the beach.

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 126 (Social Media for the Socially Awkward)

Social media has been a hard pill for me to swallow.  I didn't sign up for facebook until The Louise Log was going onto its 8th or 9th episode.  A year later, already feeling overwhelmed by just two fb accounts, Mary Jander browbeat me into signing onto twitter. 

But social media looks like so much fun!  How could it be difficult!

One of the main problems is my 'personality'.  As best as I can analyze it, there are four main qualities necessary for success at social media.  None of them is my strong suit.

1.   Faith that you'll get what you so richly deserve  (gives you the ability to be Cool, the sine qua non of a public persona, on social media and beyond)

2.   Self-acceptance  (makes it possible to write about deeply embarrassing personal experiences and insights which are, apparently, all anyone wants to hear)

3.   Self Discipline  (keeps you from going down every interesting rabbit hole you come across)

4.   Executive Function (keeps you on track and on schedule - more on this another day)

So?  Enough of the bad news.  What do we do now?  Take heart fellow anxious-isolaters, there's no need to despair.  Twitter and a lot of the new social media platforms (looking at you Snapchat) are about having a conversation.  Even we, insecure in groups, can talk to one person.  Stephen Dimmick generously explained this fine point to me years ago:  Do not broadcast.  Twitter is not a billboard.  Have a conversation.

But here's the $64,000 question: how do you have a conversation and feel a connection when you're writing to (a majority of) faceless 'imaginary friends'?  I stumbled onto a low-tech hack:  imagine you're talking/writing to one specific friend when you're writing a post. 

In a recent conversation, Mhairi Morrison mentioned that before getting on twitter, she had gotten some help from a book (!).  I promptly rushed out and bought myself a brand new Second Edition of this one, The Twitter Book co-written by @SarahM whom I remember from my earliest days on twitter.  In spite of being somewhat outdated, it's a treasure trove of helpful hints. 

The Twitter Book by Tim O'Reilly and Sarah Milstein  (I resorted to a reversed shot on photobooth due to internet issues.)  And though the book is on nice thick paper and a great compact size, to show off just how many pages I'd 'bookmarked' had to sort of mangle the stiff cover.

A number of people have been critically helpful in helping me get as far as I have with all of this.  Being off in the Southern Hemisphere about 30 hours from my desk, off the top of my head I'm only able to properly acknowledge these social media mentor-aces (in chronological order of their help)  Thank you for your patience and your generosity!  Victoria Trestrail, Leah Jones, Molly D. Campbell, Alexandra Rosas, Sidneyeve Matrix, Stephen Dimmick, Mudd Lavoie, Mhairi Morrison and Veronica James.  My apologies to others whom I've momentarily forgotten.