go big or go bust
I woke up at 2:45 this morning with a modified panic attack. Grasping at straws, I threw the I Ching a few times which left me more confused than before.
Fortunately, filmmaker Julia Wrona had recently reminded me of this Brené Brown video and I’d been meaning to watch it again to post here so I did just that. I wasn’t expecting that it would reduce me to tears this time too. It’s so good! And it covers everything that matters. EVERYTHING.
Ready to scream with frustration. Day after day of this precious new year is slipping through my fingers as I get sidetracked by details like computer problems, like having the flu, like spending three hours on live chat with Roku tech support so I can join the 21st century and watch something on Netflix for the first time in my life.
Getting organized and using time efficiently has never felt more urgent. Special thanks to Cathy Crosky and PMR for these life-changing suggestions. Here’s the plan ('Before' pictures below) :
1. I am going to clear off my desk so I can see 80% desk.
2. I’m going to sit quietly at this desk and decide what is a priority.
3. I’m going to put some deadlines on the wall calendar.
4. I’m going to FILL IN my daily schedule.
5. Then I’m going to reward myself with a walk or a nap or something equally great (I always say I’m going to and never get around to it… which I’ve heard makes for a belligerent unconscious which doesn’t trust me. And which MAY BE the source of all my problems… )
(NB: DIY standing desk...)
If you're not aware of Maria Bamford, you're MISSING OUT. Maria Bamford is a rare and beautiful example of someone who manages to make emotional honesty (*personal transparency*) look not only desirable but FUN. Watch this (80 sec) VIDEO and lemme know if you agree.
My plan is to stick closer to life as I know it in the videos about getting The Louise Log out to the world- but it's great to have Maria Bamford's inspiration to tell the darn truth.
The West Village on January 27, 2015, the morning after NYC's 'biggest blizzard ever'.
Decades before ‘transparency’ was all the rage, and long before I saw any reason to bother with telling the truth myself, Max von Sydow’s performance in Bergman’s Hour of the Wolf blew a whole in my psyche and opened an entirely new world.
My crystal clear (but possibly inaccurate) memory is that as an artist (in a tuxedo?) at a formal dinner, von Sydow stared moodily at his plate, ignored and insulted people and generally acted like a psychopath, unapologetically honest.
Today I’m convinced that the only hope for my success as an artist is in stripping away the sneaky, the lies and the phony, to become unapologetically honest.
In the age of the Selfie, here’s a cautionary tale, a 106 sec video to put the news about this ‘Historic Blizzard’ and 'transparency' in perspective. Thanks to Nathan M. Williams for sending the link.
(106 sec) American news reporter is caught exaggerating.
Totally exhausted by the stress and the effort of trying to *do my best* at the Directing Actors workshop but newsflash: I developed something like laser vision which lasted pretty much all weekend. Thrilling is not a strong enough word for what it felt like to suddenly be able to see what’s not working in a scene and then to apply Adrienne’s tools and direct the actors to make it come even more alive.
Beyond happy with the work Arabella Oz and Josh Mendelow and I did on this scene.
photos by Michelle Chai
Now I'm pretty sure I managed to alienate some of the other students cause I just had SO MUCH to share but guess what? It didn't feel like hot coals burning through my cheeks or the chorus of "Shame SHAME!" echoing in my head. I didn't even care that much. Is it possible that I've turned a corner with the chronic people-pleasing. Whattt?? Really?
This new recklessness has to have been at least partly because of our teacher Adrienne Weiss who is brilliant and hugely supportive. It also had something to do with my very talented and generous fellow students who put themselves right out there and made me feel safe to do the same. Here are two of them, Michelle Chai and Yianna Dellatolla.
(l to r MIchelle Chai, Yianna Dellatolla)
I didn’t want to make a spectacle of myself photographing everyone in the class like I was a reporter or something so you'll have to fill in the rest of the picture with your imagination.
I’ve never been crazy about life on life’s terms because I often have agendas. One of these has often been to please people.
So instead of being perfectly open and forthright and transparent all the darn time, I’ve sometimes pretended that things aren’t the way they are. “Yes yes yes, SURE, I can talk!” And then I end up having to say “Sorry! Gotta go!” out of the blue and in a hurry because other obligations are pressing and I actually can’t talk.
Another of my favorite dark corners, the “What?? You emailed?” has been wrenched away without so much as a fare-thee-well with the arrival of Sidekick and Streak (“Horrifying Apps Inform People When You Open Their Email”) Now you can’t even hide behind a little white lie.
I for one do not like to be cornered but who would ever have imagined that our laptops would be force-feeding us moral fiber.
One could look at my only recourse as *timely* when it’s actually *long overdue*: drop the people-pleasing.
Coincidentally, Adrienne Weiss, the teacher of my Directing Actors Workshop, addressed this very issue the other day. People-pleasing not being an ideal character trait for a film director, with one little anecdote, she made it clear just how easy it could be to let go of this ball and chain. The essence of it is: “Stop trying to make them like you! It’s clear that they already dislike you!”
Sort of like ripping off a band-aid. Or instant death by a samurai’s sword. Definitely beats the slow, horrible alternative trying to be the most popular girl in the class all the way to the grave.
Serious fixation on no clutter. Serious fixation. Lotta lotta energy into picking up. Into tossing. Everybody else is apparently binge-watching all the new shows, kicking back and yucking it up on twitter and facebook. I can’t remember a relaxed minute on twitter or facebook. As far as recent television … there was that first episode of GIRLS.
The upside: there’s not one stray piece of paper, not one dirty plate on any surface in sight.
We all have our priorities.
5:45 AM Slept like a rock. Plenty of time to free-write, do some yoga and pick up around the house. Actors showing up at 9 for the rehearsal. Lighting a little candle.
6:58 AM So important to do these affirmations… get the panic down to a manageable level.
7:30 AM Fingers so cold I can hardly hold on to a pen. Why isn’t the heat coming up? It’s sposed to be up by 6:30. Calling Mark. Putting on extra layers.
7:38 AM Benefit to living in a 40º apartment: mittens double as pot holders. Time saver.
8:15 AM Boiler guys apparently “on the way”. Love my little yoga routine. Some days it's littler than other. Where the heck are those notes I was going to type up for rehearsal?
8:36 AM Boiler guys here. Shouting. Banging on pipes. Trying to think about the Pinch and the Ouch for the actors. (BANG BANG BANG... "Yo!") Gotta remember The Turning Points. ("Excuse me, you gotta a phone I can use?") The Contrary Expectations!
8:55 AM Heat coming up. Boiler guys leaving. Deep calming breaths. I'm going to be calm. Going to be grounded. Going to be present to DO MY JOB. But there's the problem. I don't just want to do my job. I want to do it well. I actually want to do it brilliantly. And working with wonderful actors Arabella Oz and Josh Mendelow, if it isn't brilliant, the problem is obviously with the direction. Meanwhile, it's important that The Director be an authority. PRAYING that they won't see through my life-like veneer into the snake pit.
We present the scene on Sunday night. I'll keep you posted.
Busy as a bee! I'm taking a workshop, the brilliant Adrienne Weiss's Directing Actors for Film. It's very exciting. It's also a ton of work. The other directors are razor sharp and the actors are completely amazing. Will try to take some pictures from our rehearsal today to show you. Sorry to rush but I gotta get ... back to work.
Clinging to the idea that this vulnerability journal is a good idea because I would love to be a party to someone else's night terrors. But anxious. I'm not naturally transparent. What if I get self-conscious - even about this free-writing? What's THAT going to lead to? DEATH. Certain death. Googling Jill Soloway's keynote.
Jill Soloway photo by Emily Shur
I’m not an actor. Actors share their vulnerabilities, their secrets. They’re all about self-revelation. My entire life has prepared me to hide.
You may have seen me in a video during our crowdfunder trying to get paper towels to keep my marriage intact.
and, more recently, in this video talking to radio Psychic Dan Logan about getting on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. These appearances were strictly for promotional reasons. I was crowbarred out from behind the camera, against all my instincts.
And guess what. For better or for worse, my plan for 2015 is to continue down this terrifying path. Go Big or Go Bust, a new reality web series about my challenges in marketing The Louise Log will be coming to you soon.
My fear of doing this is trumped by my horror of watching seven years of work, 44 episodes of The Louise Log, slip into oblivion while other web series are breaking out, getting recognized and even making money.
So but... why this? I have two words for you: Mudd Lavoie. Blame it on Mudd, the 800th person to like The Louise Log on facebook who is some kind of social media marketing Genius. She's also a passionate and very convincing person. I'm following along like a lamb to the slaughter.
And so, in 2015, the plan is to radically change my life, to break out from behind the camera and barge into the frame, to let down my guard and surrender, to willingly walk into situations with a camera rolling where I’ll look vulnerable, possibly ridiculous and definitely not in my comfort zone. Forget about whispering, I’ll talk in a regular voice and may even scream from the roof tops. I hope that I’ll swap out demure for assertive and follow Amy Cuddy’s advice to take up space, that I’ll forget about how I look and be the bulldog powerhouse I usually only show my closest family and friends.
In between the videos, I’ll be blogging short journal entries and hoping someone’ll want to follow along screaming “TOO MUCH AIN’T ENOUGH!!”. That was a joke.
I'm so glad you're here. And I'm... scared out of my wits.
Here we goooooe!
