Go Big or Go Bust: Day 31 (on self-confidence)

One of my greatest yearnings, and for decades, has been for self-confidence.  After yesterday's decisive but fleeting victory over a life-long habit of impulsiveness, I went to bed happier and woke up happier than I can remember.  And it wasn't the happiness that comes from the satisfaction of a job well done or even of connecting in a deep way with another human being.  It was even more profound.  I felt the solid confidence I've known only from mastering a physical challenge (as in sports ... or extreme snow shovelling) or through a realization that there is more to this world than meets the eye.  The feeling is the essence of Brené Brown's TED talk - that I can handle this.  That there is nothing to fear. 

I don't remember much from my two years of high school Latin but Mother Rauch would be proud (and probably a little surprised) that I remember anything.   "Con" means "with" and "fido" means "dog".   (kidding)  "Fido" means "faith".   What I'm discovering is a way to have faith in myself.  The method, described in yesterday's post, couldn't be any less sexy: I made up a schedule and am using a kitchen timer to try and stay on track.  Instead of my usual mad scramble through the day (satisfying in the moment ... but ultimately leaving me with the desperate hopelessness that I'll never get there)  I feel grounded.  Happy.  CONFIDENT.  

There's a social media insight, related to this, which I'll post tomorrow.  Unfortunately, I'm already a little behind schedule.  Gotta go haul out the vacuum.

('Extreme' compared with in the video)

('Extreme' compared with in the video)

 


Go Big or Go Bust: Day 30 (on low-tech hacks for time-management)

Day 30!  And to my shock, doing something here every day is actually changing my life - just as my coach and advisor Mudd Lavoie said it would!

Genuinely connecting with people on the internet is great.  But it doesn't happen with everybody nor does it happen every time.  Connecting online takes more imagination than connecting in person.  And it takes more self-control-- there are so many fleeting people in a virtual life.  Especially if you have problems with impulse control, how do you manage your time? 

In the world of three dimensions, my usual jobs have been editing and shooting The Louise Log.  Like most people, I know how to block out everything else and just do the job in front of me.  But it's different online. 

Back in my early days on twitter, one morning is burned into my brain: it was 6AM and I stood at my (non-standing) desk for two seconds 'just to check in' on twitter.  Six hours later, seeing spots from hunger and thirst, I unglued myself from the keyboard. 

With this awareness of what I'm capable of, I've been asking for advice on how to cope ever since.  I've read articles and blog posts trying to figure out how to wrestle control from my impulses.  I've whined. I've pleaded.  I've PRAYED. 

But it's been infrequently that I've actually taken Cathy Crosky's suggestion to heart: the click click of a kitchen timer helps some people to really stay in the moment, to feel the pressure to stick to the schedule.

The obvious first part of this strategy is to sit down first thing and make up that schedule.  Even if it's unrealistic, cramming eight hours of jobs into the morning, it's something to start with.

On another day, I'll go into detail about the online time management tools that have stood my test of time.  Today, it's a low-tech hack.  I guess the missing ingredient until today for me was the desperation born of a daily deadline.

PS Victoria Trestrail reminded me that I should mention that I don't use a kitchen timer in the kitchen.  For cooking, I just stick with the smoke alarm. 

 

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 29 (on the importance of Story)

Friends-- and really anyone who had ever sent me an email before December 31, 2007, are the force responsible for the fact that The Louise Log is more than one (82 sec) video.  If you were in my Outlook Express address book back then, as far as I was concerned, you were 'on my mailing list'.   Some people graciously bore up silently under my spam attack.  A few people asked to be removed from my 'list'.  A number of friends and family wrote back encouraging me to make another one, and to use the same actor Christine Cook.

My plan had been to try something totally different every month-  stop motion animation, talking animals or my own version of Candid Camera.  But with people interested and hey, we did have several hours of tape from that day at the Farmers Market.  Why not?

Furthermore, there was so much gorgeous tape of Christine Cook among heaps of red apples, golden flowers and the architecture of Union Square.  I cut together something gorgeous which ran under two minutes.  It could have been called Louise Goes Shopping.  It got even better set to a song I'd heard in France in the early 70's.  My husband, who happens to have a great respect for and understanding of story, watched it.  The essence of his response was: "What's the story?"

Panicked I watched the tape over and over looking for a story.  The only thing that leaped out at me was a shot of a farmer who looked into the camera and made me very uncomfortable. 

It happened to be another sunny Saturday in the Fall and I grabbed my camcorder and ran over to Union Square to the Farmers Market.  This time, all  I wanted were shots of the farmers and I got a slew of them, none looking especially happy at being taped.  Suddenly there was a story.

In 2012, in a attempt to go legit, the audio for this episode was rerecorded with an original song by Don Watson and Leer Leary.  You know Leer Leary as Ava's nemisis, the Camerman in Season Two.

 Here's the original Louise Log t-shirt with a quote from this episode:




Go Big or Go Bust: Day 28 (on sustaining an artistic life, Victoria Trestrail and Shelly Peiken)

In spite of my recent revelations, I'm still stepping on the garden rake more than a couple of times a day.  BUT.   Thanks to this blog (and to you for encouraging me to continue with it) alternate paths without a garden rake are appearing. 

Just the other day, Victoria Trestrail put me in touch with another woman artist who seems to have

Victoria Trestrail  aka @Brideofrocknrol

Victoria Trestrail  aka @Brideofrocknrol

dealt with all of the problems I'm finally admitting to: Grammy nominated Shelly Peiken. Her Huff Po article Confession of a Serial Songwriter: Why a Passion on the Side Is a Must is a must-read. 

If you're still scratching your head about why the name Victoria Trestrail sounds so familiar, she's the inestimably talented singer/songwriter of the music in all but one episode of The Louise Log Season 3 and much more. 

Shelly Peiken aka  @Shelly_Peiken

Shelly Peiken aka  @Shelly_Peiken

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 27 (on Dr. Frances Jensen, Terry Gross and why can't I remember?)

I promised I wouldn't do this anymore but here I am in another mad dash to make a deadline.  And feeling like I don't have the same brain I once had.  (I know I used to remember so much more.)

The other day, on her NPR show Fresh Air, Terry Gross interviewed Dr. Frances Jensen, Chair of the Department of Neurology at the University of Pennsylvania, who made this interesting statement:

"“We don’t dwell on tasks long enough to consolidate memories.”  

And she said so much MORE, about her own experience in the age of internet overload and about the addiction-prone teen brain. 


 

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 24 (on August Gold's antidote to the pain of rejection)

I was hanging around my desk yesterday, beginning to wonder if I have the stamina to succeed.  It was my lucky day because Danusia Trevino stopped by and happened to mention August Gold's game-changer:  how to take risks, be rejected and get right back on the ball - without bitterness or even frustration.  Seriously.  This should be taught in every art and business school in the country. 

(1:01)

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 23 (on happiness and that free-writing Julia Cameron got us all doing in the morning)

Can it really be true?  You can write your way to happiness?  Writing can actually change your world??  My brother-in-law John found this New York Times article by Tara Parker-Pope which shows how that claim is actually backed with science (!)

It also sheds light on one of my favorite subjects, the inner voice, and that: "... sometimes our inner voice doesn't get it completely right."   Ha!  (Get thee behind me, Satan.)

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 22 (on the bumpy beginning of The Louise Log)

In the summer of 2007 I hit a wall with trying to get my second feature produced.  The first one had been in competition at Sundance and I'd taken a break to raise our children.  In the meantime, while they napped, I was going to write a script for my second feature. 

Seventeen years later, there was no end in sight to my little hiatus.  In fact, it had turned into something like hand-digging a tunnel to China. 

And then my luck turned: Delta Airlines relieved me of the notes I'd carefully collected for the final rewrite. 

I've always thought of myself as a visual artist and was, at this point, desperate to make something, anything, preferably a film but I was even willing to stoop to video.  I wanted to do something really funny and short which would go viral and get the attention of Hollywood producers.   I even had a great idea!  It had conflict and it had pain (= comedy) and it came directly from my life as a New York City mother.  It felt inspired.  Video even got to looking like a good thing: with a little camcorder, you can steal shots virtually anywhere.  I'd be the crew, Christine Cook and unsuspecting passersby would be the cast and this independent supermarket would be our location.  Screw Hollywood.  Screw the gatekeepers.  We'd make a film for the price of a mini-DV tape.

A few nights before our shoot, Alyssa Orvis and Jim Poe came over for dinner and remarked that we wouldn't last 30 seconds in this large and busy market at the busiest time of the week (our plan) or at any other.  In fact, they warned, we wouldn't last two minutes in the large or small health food stores where they'd worked.  Stores are apparently very touchy about being photographed.  Who KNEW.

My shock turned to defiance, ("Fine.") my defiance to a plan.   We'll go the Farmers Market at Union Square.  Too bad they don't have shopping carts.  Too bad they don't have 90º angle blind turns or checkout lines that snake to the back of the store.  Too bad the people are all mellow and groovy when anxious and aggressive was sort of the point of the whole thing.  I was clinging to the plan that we would shoot that week, and clinging to my denial that we had a problem- and this in spite of the fact that we had neither a script nor even an idea.

It was a gorgeous Fall Saturday and Christine Cook and I shot and shot.  Eventually we took a break at the café on the corner of East 17th Street and Broadway.  Some of the tape from the café became the first episode of The Louise Log.  I didn't call it that on the video having no idea that this would be the first episode of a series so it's simply called "The Louise Log".

How To Drive Yourself Crazy: The Louise Log #1   (82 sec)  2007

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 21 (on Madonna, Kanye and me 'letting go')

Awake like a shot at 5:30 panic mounting in the chest, I want what I want when I want it.  And I want it Now.  At the very least I want to know that I'll get it sooner or later.  Did you ever hear that line "Take the action and let go of the results."?  Me either. 

I'm singing along with Madonna, her song which always makes me raise my eyebrows: "Letting go is not my bag."  Apparently Madonna, Kanye and I are all singing that song.  But only one of us is  fortunate enough to not yet be on the world stage.


Go Big or Go Bust: Day 18 (on Amy Cuddy and being big)

I was brought up in the era when children were supposed to be seen and not heard.  And frankly, even the "being seen" part was a little iffy. 

Decades later, and six feet tall, someone once remarked that I looked like a giant trying to hide behind an ant hill.  Doing hot yoga, the one pose all the teachers publicly acknowledged me for was the human compactor (my term).  Here's someone else doing it:

The pose à la me looked more like a stick of gum folded neatly in three parts.  I'm talking COMPACTED.  I know how to make myself small. 

Which brings me to the quandary: with this message so deeply ingrained, how am I possibly going to "Go Big or Go Bust"?  How can I be *big* if I'm unconsciously trying to be so small? 

When Elena Rossini suggested that I watch this video, I had my doubts.  But after watching it, I was excited.   And I was hopeful that it just might be possible to turn things around.

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 16 (on career goals and insatiable hunger)

In response to yesterday's video rant while shovelling the sidewalk, I received the most heart-warming, wonderful response that a person putting work online could hope for:  "I care!  I've been reading them!"

Of course I shreiked and practically burst into tears. 

But within the hour, I had a more measured response.  It begins with:  "Yeah, but--"   and it flicked a light on in my head. 

I'm having to look squarely at the facts and realize that I'm dealing with something bigger here than social media metrics or even career goals.   I have issues.  

This building, with a thirty foot (?) long sculpture of a monster iguana poised jauntily on its roof, open jaws screaming at the sky, used to stand at the corner of 13th Street and 5th Avenue in New York City.  I would nod whenever I passed it, and without irony, because at the molecular level, I'm pretty sure that I am this.

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 14 (on meditation and snow days)

in

I sort of forgot to wrap up the point of yesterday's post: if you want to stick your neck out doing something creative, you're going to feel vulnerable and you may even get hurt.  It makes sense to make the rest of life as easy as possible.

Meditation is another great tool for this, not that I didn't turn learning how into some kind of a 'Climb Everest' challenge. 

Over the past thirty years, I read a lot of books, talked to plenty of people, took at least one class and spent a lot of time trying to meditate.  Finally I gave up:  I would never get this. 

And then, my dear friend Bernadette, who had been meditating daily for decades, recommended Swami Muktananda's book Meditate.  It explained meditation very simply and clearly and encouraged me that I'd been trying so hard, I'd missed the whole point.

One winter day soon after, holding still and staring at falling snow (which happened to be falling straight down, without wind) I effortlessly 'dropped into myself'.  Instead of reaching up and out, trying so very hard, by simply internalizing the action of the snowflakes, I was meditating.   I made a little video so you could try it for yourself, no matter where you are or what the weather is. 

Go Big or Go Bust: Day 13 (on clutter, anxiety and a legal high)

in

The cards that used to be falling out of my wallet all the time have been enjoying a nice safe and secure home in this fantastic little case for the past five or ten years.  

 

Every once in a while, I add a few more cards, going over capacity, and then it takes an unreasonable amount of time to get the case to snap closed.  I sort and reorganize the cards, spreading them out more evenly through the compartments until my shoulder blade muscles are on the verge of going into a spasm.  At this point I either give up and put the job aside or, if really lucky, the case snaps closed.  

A few days ago, I had a brainstorm: why don't I remove a few of the cards?   Don't I deserve that? Don't I deserve that level of comfort and peace in my life?  I removed one plastic and two laminated cards which I rarely if ever use and snapped the case closed.   The feeling of relief, satisfaction, wholeness and happiness was so much bigger than I expected or imagined it would be.  And days later, the feeling is still with me!  This is a legal high, it's FREE, and by golly it's long-lasting.  

So why hang on to stuff?   Because the thought of letting go makes me anxious?  But what if holding to more than I need creates a permanent state of anxiety because there just isn't room for it all.  

Next stop: the medicine chest.



Go Big or Go Bust: Day 12 (on Beth Tallman and marketing)

In the late Summer of 2010, near the end of the shoot of Season 2, our Associate Producer Deb Micallef organized a marketing brain trust.  Without the work of this team, you might never have heard of The Louise Log. 

Over the years, Beth Tallman, a member of the brain trust, has selflessly shared her wisdom and talent, helping to train interns and to brainstorm strategies.

This morning, Beth came over to help lay out the options for how we can continue on with The Louise Log without another trauma-inducing crowdfunder.  Of course all I want to do is go see another psychic but I'm trying to be a grownup about the whole thing.  I took notes and am going to follow orders. 

Beth Tallman

Beth Tallman